Inside Out

Published on Jan. 4, 2020

There really are only two kinds of people in this world, those who prefer being inside and those who prefer being outside. I have devised this little test to see which kind you are.

            1. A “turtleneck” (a) is something you wear to your daughter’s dance recital, (b) something you eat in a soup.

            2. If you use the phrase “I made a killing” you mean (a) you doubled your money on a tech stock, (b) you filled your deer tag.

            3. If you drive by a feedlot you (a) roll up the windows to keep the smell out of your Prius or Leaf, (b) roll down the windows in your pickup to mask any evidence of your own mighty muffler.

            4. If a family member comes home and says they hit a deer it means (a) there will be body damage to fix on your Lexus or Tesla, (b) you’ll have a freezer full of venison.

            5. You have a month-long lease on (a) a time share in New York, (b) a hunting lease in Texas.

            6. You have drank out of (a) one of those fancy water bottles from Fiji, (b) a water trough.

            7. You ride a bicycle (a) at the gym that doesn’t go anywhere, (b) with two wheels.

            8. If you finish off a 32 ounce soda while driving down the Interstate and feel the need to pee you (a) wait until the next rest area, (b) pull your truck over and pee on your back right tire while waving to fellow motorists as they whiz by.

            9. For lunch (a) on rare occasions you pack a picnic basket filled with croissants and wine, (b) you pack a lunch box five days a week with a bologna sandwich, chips and a HoHo.

            10. To you the term “sleeping bag” refers to (a) your snoring spouse, (b) your bed on hunting or fishing trips.

            11. Your horsepower is supplied by (a) a BMW, (b) a Bobcat, Caterpillar or an actual horse.                    

            12. Your best friend is (a) an “animal companion”, (b) a dog named Del Monte because he eats out of cans.

            13. You think “getting back to nature means (a) buying your food at the Farmers’ Market, (b) growing your own food in something called a “garden.”

            14. You think SPF refers to (a) sun block, (b) “specific pathogen free” pigs.

            15. You wash your hands with (a) liquid soap, (b) lava soap.

            16. The rips and dirt on your jeans (a) came that way from the manufacturer and cost extra, (b) came that way after years of honest labor.

            17. You think Chiggers and No-See-Ums are (a) an irritating punk rock band that drive you crazy, (b) irritating insects that drive you crazy.

            18. You have used (a) a bidet, (b) an outhouse.

            19. To you the term “hot rock” refers to (a) a stolen diamond wedding ring, (b) biscuits made by the cookie around the chuck wagon.

            20. If you see a backhoe parked beside a freshly dug hole you think (a) someone has died, (b) someone is getting a new septic tank.

            21. Your home security system is (a) a “safe room” in your house, (b) a 12 gauge shotgun and a pit bull named Mr. Dibbles.

            22. The knife in your pocket is for (a) filing your nails, (b) gutting fish and picking your teeth.

            23. A Bobcat and Caterpillar are (a) animals you see on Animal Planet, (b) real boy-toy machines.            

            24. You play football (a) on your computer, (b) in the street in front of your house.

            25. Culture is (a) going to the opera, (b) used in making beer.

            If you answered (a) to more than half the questions you are definitely an inside person and should consult a doctor about your nature deficiency disorder.