Legs and Eggs

By Lee Pitts

Without getting too personal, I will say, for the last 40 years I haven’t had a proper functioning pancreas. Whereas the average person eats the poundage equivalent of six elephants in their lifetime, I will hopefully end up eating one. 

I have to eat the exact same thing at the same time every day, and I have for over 30 years. To digest my intake, I have to swallow eight pills daily, which cost $30 apiece and are composed of powdered pig pancreas.

 Isn’t it ironic someone whose entire life has been connected to beef can’t live without swine?

I’m just glad it’s not chicken or I’d never live it down.

If I did back peddle on my diet, I’d end up in critical condition in the hospital. It only took me three of four times to get that message. 

In retrospect, I’ve been a picky eater my whole life, and my stomach was always easily agitated. I’ve heard of people who have an “iron stomach,” well mine is made of tissue paper.

Even back when I could eat, I had a very discriminating palate. I never drank coffee, have never tasted espresso and have only been in a Starbucks once to use their bathroom. I always hated the taste of beer and wine. 

Back when I could eat, I couldn’t stand the taste of yams, Brussel sprouts, oatmeal, lima beans, Fig Newtons, watermelon, anchovies, chipped tuna on toast, cooked carrots, the fish in fish and chips, rutabagas, turnips, prunes, mushrooms, raisins or spinach.

 I also didn’t like any vegetable that wasn’t its natural color, such as red lettuce, red cabbage, golden beets or yellow bell peppers. Come to think of it, I didn’t like them in their natural color either. I never liked cucumbers or dill pickles, but I loved my mom’s sweet pickles.

Speaking of my mom, she was always trying to sneak things in on me that I detested, such as eggs, which made me gag. It didn’t take me long to find out French toast was just an egg on bread. 

I didn’t eat eggplant for fear it had egg in it. I was also suspicious of anything that was all mixed up, such as sausage, hash, hot dogs, stew or Lobster Newburg. Not that we could afford lobster. 

I preferred plain foods and always kept them separate on my plate. The broccoli on my plate was never allowed to even barely kiss the meatloaf.

As a result of being forced to eat liver at an early age, I became a firm believer in the concept that internal organs were never meant to be eaten by humans. This would include kidneys, gizzard, heart, brains, intestines, bone marrow and sexual organs such as Rocky Mountain oysters.

 I’ve often watched in amazement as diners in Basque restaurants wolfed down tongue. Don’t they know the mouth is full of nasty stuff? 

I feel the same way about pickled pigs feet and chicken feet. Do they not know what the chickens and pigs were walking in their entire lives? This is one major reason why I hate eggs, because of where they came from. I hope I don’t have to draw you a visual. 

You’ll never catch me begging for legs or eggs.

All this talk about food has made me hungry, and yes, there are many foods I’ve always loved. I’ve never tasted a bad potato in my life. Baked, fried, scalloped, you name it. I love potatoes. 

In fact, it’s one of the half dozen foods I can still digest now. I’m sad because I can’t digest milk and all the products made from it because they are so delicious. 

I would have made a great old time cowboy because prior to getting sick, I lived on the four “B’s” at bull sales – beef, bread, bacon and beans. Although I don’t think beans should ever be served for dessert. But, the beans will have the final say on that, as they always do. 

I guess one could call me a “meat and potatoes kinda guy” because if  I could eat one last normal meal it would be a cheeseburger, fries and a chocolate shake. Please note the fries come from potatoes and the cheese, beef and milk all come from a cow.