Merry Covid Christmas

By Lee Pitts

When the COVID-19 pandemic first hit, I didn’t think it would last long – after all, it was made in China. But now it is almost Christmas, and I’m still living like a dog. All day long I wander around the house looking for food, my wife has to keep telling me, “Down boy,” and I get excited about going for a ride in the truck. 

This Christmas I don’t want another stimulus check from our bankrupt government or another lecture by Dr. Fauci about washing my hands. Here is a list of what I do want this during this COVID-19 Christmas.

In my stocking I want to find a lifetime supply of N95 masks and little bottles of Purell®.

I’d like to go outside again.

I desperately need a year’s supply of toilet paper – the good stuff, not the paper that’s so thin you can see through it.

If it’s not too much to ask, I’d like a haircut by a real barber.

For once I’d like to be able to cough in public without being treated as if I’m a leper.

I want all the kids to go back to school so they can suffer like I had to.

I’d like permission to be able to touch my face again.

I’d like to be able to shop in real stores without having to buy everything from Amazon, thus making Jeff Bezos the world’s first trillionaire.

I’m wishing I never have to hear the following words ever again – quarantine, PPE, Wuhan, pandemic and most of all, “We’re all in this together.” The only time I want to hear the words self isolate is if I’m running a few minutes behind schedule.

I’d like to be able to go to a car show, an estate sale, a cattle show at the county fair, a community library sale or a country-western concert without sitting six feet away from my wife.

I’d like to feel safe when I take a free pen from the bank. After all, it’s the only way I have of getting more than a .05 percent return on my savings.

All this stress is causing me to snack too much. It’s gotten so bad the buttons on my shirt are social distancing themselves. This is why I just want oversized hoodies without buttons for Christmas.

I’d really like to shake someone’s hand again, maybe even hug them, instead of bumping knuckles or all this ridiculous elbow rubbing.

If it’s not too much to ask for this Christmas, I’d like to be able to go into the grocery store without having to worry if some super-spreader had his hands all over the cans of Campbell’s double noodle soup.

I’m tired of standing in line and having people I don’t know breathe down my neck. So this Christmas, I’d like for someone to give me a 12-foot two by four I can attach to my belt buckle so I can swing it in a complete circle thus assuring everyone is keeping at least six feet away. If they aren’t, I’ll make them pay with a good thwack to their mid-section.

I really wish the pregnant emergency room nurse I met at the hospital remains healthy and that her baby is okay. Oh, I almost forgot, I hope Chris gets his job back at Olive Garden.

I’d like for people to stop aiming those temperature guns at my forehead. One of these days someone’s going to point one at a cop and he’ll return fire.

In 2021 I’d like to be able to consider myself an essential worker.

Please, I’d like a “China-free” Christmas this year. If you can’t find anything made in the good old U.S.A., just send me cash instead. So far, I think it’s still printed in America.

I’d like to never have to wear a face mask ever again.

The only time I want to hear the words “Corona task force” is if they are in reference to six people drinking Mexican beer with a lime in it.            

The main thing I want this year for Christmas is a COVID-19 vaccine