Hard of Earring
Two recently retired road agent ring men who had put too much mileage on their odometers were overheard at a bull sale.
“I’m going to sue every auctioneer on earth,” said one old-timer to the other. “By turning up their speakers W-A-A-A-Y too loud over the years and making me stand in close proximity to their huge speakers, I swear they’ve made me lose my hearing.”
“What did you say, you’re going to get an earring? You would be the last person on earth I would expect to get one of those things. Is it going to be one of those gaudy, diamond-encrusted thingamajigs or are you leaning toward a couple gold hoops in both ears?” the other ring man asked.
“I suppose you’re going tell me you’re going to cover your body with tattoos, so the next time I see you, you’ll have a tongue stud, a ring in your nose and your body covered in multi-colored epidermal ink,” the second man continued
“Stink? Well, it wasn’t me. My missus made me take a shower and put on a clean Depends before she would let me leave the house this morning,” the first ring man said.
“Did you say you’re leasing out your house? I thought you liked it here. I was under the impression you and Margie were as happy as two fleas in a doghouse,” said the other.
“We’re not leasing out our house. The next move we make is to the funeral home. The only bad thing is we’re too far away from the kids, so they don’t come by very often. It’s just as well, whenever they do come, all they do is stare at their phones and listen to rap,” he replied.
“Did you say rap or crap?” the second man asked.
“Does it really matter? What’s the difference?” asked the first ring man.
“It sounds to me like your hearing is even worse than mine. I swear, you need to get the wax out of your ears or buy one of those high-dollar hearing aids,” he said.
“AIDS! The hell did you say? To think I thought you a clean-living, devoted husband all the years we spent on the road together. You sure had me fooled. I was figuring on splitting a room with you some day in a rest home,” the first man said.
“I think they’re down there to the right, but I could be wrong cause I’m kind of confused,” said the other. “There were three of them. One for each sex.”
“Nah, me either. After being married for as long as we have, you kind of lose interest after a while. You know what I mean? Besides, you know me, I’m not one of those guys who brags about his conquests – having sex twice a day, four times a week. I suppose I could lie about it,” said the first ring man.
“Who died? I’m telling you right now if it was one of those dang auctioneers, I’ll help dig the hole myself. I’ll even chip in for the gravestone as long as the epitaph isn’t too flowery. Speaking of dying, remember all those years we spent on the road together going from one sale to the next? Well, I’m sad to say I finally had to trade the old gal off for a newer model?” shared the second man.
“You’re getting a divorce?” exclaimed the first ring man, pounding the side of his head like one does when they’re swimming and get water in their ears. “I tell you, this old world is spinning way too fast for me. AIDS, tattoos, three bathrooms, and now you’re telling me you’re leaving the love of your life? What is it now, 60 years you’ve been married? Why, I never thought I would live to see the day.”
“Yeah, I kind of surprised myself too, but it was getting time,” answered the second man. “I wanted a newer, sportier model. She sure didn’t owe me anything, and it was kind of hard saying goodbye to that old Chevrolet.”
“With all the problems you’re having, I can’t help but think it could be related to your drinking and going to bed high as a kite every night. I’m not saying it’ll work for everyone, but I think you might want to try alcoholics anonymous,” said the first man.
“I know hay is high right now,” the second man said. “If we don’t get rain soon, I’m going to go broke buying hay.”
“I didn’t say ‘hay’ you old goat, I said… ah just fuggidabout it,” the other replied.
