It’s the Pitts: Top Dog

by Lee Pitts

If a Martian were to land on Earth and say, “Take me to your leader,” there’s no doubt in my mind it would be taken to a chihuahua, border collie or a bichon frise. This is because in our society, dogs definitely rule.

Who else gets to eat for free and never has to do the dishes, always has doors opened for them and gets their hair trimmed like they were a topiary? Who else gets carried around in purses and pushed in prams? 

Urban dogs never have to cook, clean house, vacuum the carpet or mow the lawn. They sleep, eat and play all day while humans must work in order to buy expensive dog food. The only exception are working dogs on a ranch where it’s obvious who does all of the work and makes all  of the important decisions – the dog does, of course.                        

Basically a dog’s play time consists of having a dumb human throw a tennis ball for it to retrieve over and over again. If the human refuses to pick up the slobbery ball, the dog whimpers and whines like a child until its demands are met. 

When it’s not fetching tennis balls or napping on its own bed, the dog and the human go for a constitutional so the dog can poop in someone else’s yard. 

And, when it’s done, the dog turns to its private lackey human and says, “Hey, pick that up.”

And, the stupid human does!

If readers are still in doubt about who the top dog is, consider flying on a commercial airliner these days. It is law in order for a dog to fly it must have enough room to stand up, turn all the way around and roll over. 

However, for people passengers, there are no such rules, and for those who must squeeze in a middle seat, there isn’t anywhere to put our arms, let alone roll over.

Or, consider traveling in a vehicle. The dog never has to drive and is chauffeured everywhere it has to go, like doggy daycare, the dog beach, swimming at the pool or its weekly massage. 

If a dog gets road rage at moron drivers, it merely puts it head out the window while sitting on the driver’s lap and barks out its displeasure.

It’s obvious we work for them. 

We’re constantly freshening up their drinking water every time we flush the toilet. We buy them clothes, take them fishing and hunting and let them sit in our recliners to watch their favorite TV shows. And, they never have to get up to fetch the snacks. 

They decide what time we get up in the middle of the night, and we can never sleep in because the dog needs to be let outside. If we refuse, they snarl, growl, howl and pee on the carpet to remind everyone who is the boss.

 Maybe it has always been this way, but I think it’s become more apparent these days as we’re now taking our dogs into grocery stores and restaurants. It used to be people would see a baby in such places and fawn over them, but nowadays, when they look into a baby stroller and get all googley-eyed, more often than not there’s a beagle or poodle pup in the pram.

Dogs never get married, divorced, drafted, investigated by the IRS or given a ticket for chasing cars. Their relatives never drop by and then stay for a week. They’re never embarrassed by things their parents do because they don’t know who their parents are.

Unlike the millions of homeless people in America today, dogs can always sleep with a roof over their heads, protected from the elements. And, there’s always food to keep them well fed and healthy. 

When they’re diagnosed with a deadly disease, they aren’t kept alive by doctors and drugs to suffer a painful death. Instead we “put them to sleep” to save them from all of the pain humans must endure.

If readers are still wondering who is presently top dog in this country, I refer them to a popular television series called America’s Got Talent, where talented singers, dancers, magicians and other entertainers compete for $1 million.

And who, one may wonder, won the most recent contest?

A dog, of course.