It’s the Pitts: Keeping the Peace
By Lee Pitts
As my wife and I approach our 50th wedding anniversary, I know there are readers who wonder what the secret to our long and happy marriage is. I am happy to share my wisdom in this column, which I subtitled, “A Dozen Things To NEVER Do With Your Spouse.”
There were several honorable mentions which didn’t make the final cut, such as never go on a trail ride together, never roof the barn together, never pick out Christmas cards together, never shop for clothes together, never pack a suitcase together, never work in the same office together and never set the presets on your radio together.
These are all good advice, but there are 12 more important things to NEVER EVER do with your spouse.
12. Never do your taxes together. You’ll end up in several skirmishes and eventually one BIG war because the wife will want to pay the Internal Revenue Service way too much, just to be on the safe side, while the husband will want to write off a “business trip” to Tahiti that could land you both in prison.
Save your marriage – hire H&R Block.
11. Never get body piercings together. The wife will end up with an expensive diamond in her belly button, and the man will get a nose ring so he can be led around like a bull.
10. Never cull cows together. The man, generally being more practical, will insist on culling every open cow, while the wife will want to keep the 15-year-old toothless open cow she bottle raised as a calf.
9. Never take a vacation together. For a brief vacation – which always helps the marriage – the man should go fishing in Alaska for a week with his buddies, while the wife pampers herself at a spa.
The wife should never go hunting with her husband. They’ll never get a deer because the expression on the deer’s face will never be right for a mount.
The man should never go to Las Vegas for his vacation because what happens in Vegas never stays in Vegas.
8. Never buy cattle at an auction together. Brief arguments will turn into all-out wars as the wife attempts to stop the man from bidding by holding his hands down.
In front of oneʼs peers this can be embarrassing and humiliating, believe me.
7. Never check the home defibrillator together. There is just too much temptation.
6. Never castrate bulls together. I did this once many years ago, and I’m still paying off the dental bills. It’s true if the tail of a bull is held up and over its back, the bull can’t kick the person kneeling directly behind the bull.
Whenever you’re working cattle, there’s always a lot of tension in the air, and the wife could retaliate by easing up on the tail a little bit.
5. Never homeschool your child together. This task should be done entirely by the wife, and the child will be well schooled in reading and writing. If the man participates at all, the child will be well versed in drinking beer, hunting, welding and the history of the National Football League.
4. Never hook up trailer lights together. In the end, the wife will get a fix-it ticket and the man will get electrocuted.
3. Never attend your 50th class reunion together. If you ever see or hear of a couple getting divorced after 50 years of marriage, you’ll know it’s because they went to a 50th school reunion together and old flames were fanned and fueled.
2. Never watch TV together.
The woman will always hog the remote control and channel surf between HGTV, TMZ, Entertainment Tonight and some sappy movie, while the man just wants to watch one game and leave it on the same channel.
1. Never ride in the same vehicle together if someone in the couple is driving.
The passenger of the vehicle will tell the driver every little thing to do, such as “Go slower. Go faster. Slow down. Watch out for that pothole. Don’t ride the brake. There’s not enough room to pass. Stop at the next rest stop.”
And, so forth. Talk about road rage!
In my humble opinion, riding together as driver and passenger is the number one cause of divorce. So, do what some friends of ours do and always ride in separate vehicles, even if you’re going to the same place.
