It’s The Pitt’s: Your Carbon Footprint

We hear a lot about our carbon footprint, but so far no one has come up with a formula or algorithm to calculate it. It’s not as easy as buying a pair of Birkenstocks and trading in a Cadillac for a Smart Car.

We’re told everyone’s goal should be to become “carbon neutral” or “net zero.” 

If we don’t, we’re told the ice caps will melt and polar bears will have to relocate to Detroit and Los Angeles. San Francisco and Portland, Ore. will be flooded away. 

There could be some negative consequences too.

The day is rapidly approaching when our carbon footprint score will be more important than our credit score. 

A person will try to buy a fossil-powered car, and the salesman will be forced to say, “Sorry, we’d like to sell you this car, but your carbon footprint is already bigger than Sasquatch’s.”

For the first time, someone – me – has figured out a way to calculate an individual’s carbon footprint. Here’s my formula. 

Everyone starts out at net zero, in other words, we use up as much carbon as we produce. If a person’s carbon footprint score is less than net zero, it’s good. But, a carbon footprint larger than net zero means a person is a revolting pariah and socially undesirable.

If a person drives a Tesla, Volt or Prius, they’re off to a good start, provided of course, they remembered to plug the car in. Subtract 50 points for every electric car or truck a person owns, despite the fact the electricity it runs on was actually produced by nuclear power or natural gas. 

Those who drive a gas-powered truck with a bed large enough to hold two Smart Cars can add 50 points. They can also add 10 points for every foot their truck is off the ground because it makes the drivers of diminutive electric cars like the Ioniq, Ariya, Lyriq, Lucid, Crosstrek and Euvs nervous.

For every misspelled electric car, subtract another 50 points.

Those who voted Donald Trump for president can add 100 points to their score. They can also add 30 points for every time they stayed in one of his hotels, played on one of his golf courses, gambled at one of his casinos, watched his TV show called “The Apprentice” or attended one of his MAGA rallies. 

Individuals can also add 50 points if they are a registered Republican. Conversely, subtract 50 points if they are a Democrat. Subtract another 50 points if they still have the Biden/Kamala bumper sticker on their car. This takes real courage to admit to it.

Those who are members of Greenpeace, the Sierra Club, PETA, World Wildlife Fund or Black Lives Matter should subtract another 50 points from their carbon score. Also, subtract dollar for dollar any extra money they’ve given to these organizations.

A person can add 25 points to their carbon score for every child in their family more than 2.2 children, which is the amount we would need to maintain a stable population, if hordes weren’t crossing into the U.S. via our southern border. 

Celebrities with 19 or 20 kids who have their own TV show on cable are exempt. Ditto famous actors who have their own jets and often go places in them to preach to people about lessoning their carbon footprint, accompanied only by their pilot, co-pilot and mistress.

Anyone who has solar panels on their roof should subtract 50 points, even if they are blocked by the Mangrove trees they planted. Subtract another 10 points for every tree planted. 

Individuals can also subtract 10 points for every pound of Beyond Meat or Impossible Beef they’ve consumed – not just purchased but actually eaten. Speaking of beef patties, add 25 points each for every cow one owns that leaves behind little cow patties of carbon to decompose. 

For every Big Bird Blender windmill on a person’s property that is busy producing clean energy while slicing and dicing endangered bird species, subtract another 50 points.

To reduce one’s carbon footprint score even further, they can subtract 20 points for every time they’ve watched Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth.”  

Don’t forget to subtract the same amount from one’s IQ too.

Once a person dies and their carcass is buried in the ground where it can decay and rot away gracefully, CONGRATULATIONS! They have now officially achieved net zero and are carbon neutral. 

Now it wasn’t that hard, was it?