It’s the Pitts: Look BIG!

by Lee Pitts

For years we’ve been told by wolf-loving bureaucrats wolves don’t attack people. So, why did Colorado Parks and Wildlife (CPW) publish a pamphlet prior to the reintroduction of wolves into Colorado on the best ways to avoid being attacked and eaten by these lovable creatures?

Below are some of the included suggestions on how to avoid being assaulted.

1. CPW advises when in wolf country, make lots of noise so as to not surprise the wildlife. I’d recommend playing something really irritating and off-putting on your phone that might scare the wolves away. I’d advise a compilation of rap music, Paris Hilton’s debut album, the Greatest Hits of Crazy Al Yankovic or you screaming at the top of your lungs. 

Of course, the possibility also exists all the caterwauling might actually attract wildlife, allowing them to zero in on your position and attack you just to turn down the volume, so to speak.

2. Another recommendation from CPW is when you discover 10 pair of scary yellow eyes are observing you to “look big.” 

Of course CPW doesn’t give any ideas on how you are to add 200 pounds or grow six inches in three seconds, but I have a few suggestions. 

I think every hiker or camper should wear six air bags so when they hit a panic button their body balloons up and they look like a 12-foot-tall Michelin Tire Man. On the other hand, we all know what dogs like to do to tires and the possibility exists wolves might do the same.

3. When you realize one or more wolves are sizing you up and counting calories, under no circumstances should you turn tail and run, which might trigger what CPW calls a “chase response.” 

Instead you should keep eye contact with the wolf and back away as fast as your legs will carry you. Who knows, next time Colorado hosts an Olympic Games running backwards might be added to the list of Track and Field events.

4. Although CPW didn’t say so, I think you should always go hiking or hunting with a partner who can’t run as fast as you can. Also, when your partner isn’t looking, spray all of his or her clothes with a mist of A1 Steak Sauce or Worcestershire sauce.

5. CPW also recommends carrying a big stick, although I don’t know what a person is supposed to do with it. Maybe they could try hiding behind it?

6. Pets can also play a role in avoiding a wolf attack. CPW says pets should never be left alone. 

I agree, and I think you should hold them tightly. This way when the wolf attacks, you can sacrifice your pet by throwing it at the wolf, and while they’re chowing down on your pooch, you should be doing the running backwards thing we mentioned earlier.

7. CPW advises you should keep something between you and the wolf. I’d suggest it be a nine-millimeter bullet. 

If you’re a wolf lover, you might also try showing the wolf you’re “I LOVE WOLVES” button.

8. CPW recommends if a person is attacked by wolves – something that will never happen of course – they should fight back and remain standing if they can. CPW says a wolf’s underbelly and face are sensitive areas and can be a good place to strike. 

I’d suggest using a sharp 12-inch blade. Of course, this means you’ll spend the next 20 years incarcerated with rapists and murderers for killing an endangered species. 

In dealing with fellow convicts, I’d advise using the same tactics one would use when dealing with a wolf – never turn your back on them and look big. REAL BIG.

9. Finally, CPW says if you are attacked – something that could never happen, wink, wink – you should blow on an emergency whistle that you should carry with you at all times if you live in Colorado. 

This won’t help you any, but it will help CPW officials in confirming a wolf may have attacked a human. 

Later, it will help biologists when they are attaching radio collars to wolves if one of the wolves whistles Yankee Doodle Dandy when it breathes in and out. This wolf was the one that probably killed you, and therefore should be relocated to another state.