It’s the Pitts: Brain Shrinkage Syndrome

I read some news recently which should concern everyone with half of a brain. 

Did you know since animals – and I’m including humans here – became domesticated, their brains have shrunk in size? This news is troubling because studies have confirmed there is a high correlation between brain size and intelligence. This means as animals have become more domesticated, they have become dumber. 

Horse brains have shrunk 16 percent since they became domesticated. Pig brains have shrunk a shocking 34 percent. Dog brains have shrunk somewhere between 10 and 30 percent since they were first tamed, and human brains have atrophied 10 percent over the last 30,000 years or so.

In addition to being dumber, this “Shrinkage Syndrome” has other symptoms including docility, floppy ears, altered tails and smaller teeth. I certainly know my teeth have gotten smaller and my ears more floppy.

One doesn’t have to look any further to confirm these findings than Arizona cow country where it might take a section of ground to support one cow. In such wild and raw country, it’s common to find feral cows that haven’t been domesticated by man, and these untamed cows have used their additional brain size to outsmart man and remain in their uncivilized state, thus avoiding becoming someone’s hamburger. 

Often the only way to catch such cows is to send crazy cowboys, whose brains have not been shrunk by domestication, out to catch them.

We only have ourselves to blame for all of this stupidity because humans are “self-domesticated.” 

One of the definitions of the word domesticated is “the process of making someone fond of and good at home life and all that it involves.” 

I think this means every time a husband does the dishes because his wife told him to, his brain shrinks and he gets a little more ignorant – even if one didn’t think this was possible.

In addition to their wives, men have clearly been domesticated by dogs. Every time someone sees a six-feet-tall guy walking a purse dog, stopping frequently to watch as their dog poops, this man has shrunk their brain and lowered the IQ of all future generations. 

So guys, cut it out. Just who is the “master” here? Our dogs are making us look stupid – even more so than usual.

The only thing humans can do to stop this dumbing down and further brain shrinkage is to become less domesticated and stop doing what their spouse, dog or government tells them to do. We must be more rebellious. 

Stop eating with a knife and fork, and eat with your hands instead. Don’t apologize or try to hide a belch or passing gas. Stop mowing the lawn or anything else that makes you appear cultivated. 

And for gosh sakes, quit buying or riding in those little toy cars – electric vehicles – that look like they belong on a ride at Disneyland. Buy the biggest one-ton pickup you can find and infuriate the greenies by driving through nice quiet neighborhoods and letting your Cummins scream at 2 a.m.

I used to make fun of guys who walk around with jeans that look like they have five rolls of nickels in one pocket and a pipe wrench in the other – like they could fall off at any minute. Now I realize those guys are just being less domesticated, which is a good thing. 

The same can be said for senior citizen females who dye their hair pink and green. Ditto the guys who are sporting mohawks or big buns of hair on top of their heads. Such actions could go a long way towards stopping future brain shrinkage. 

Cowboys, who have a rebellious streak anyway, should ditch the familiar grey cowboy hat and start wearing either a black one or a ball cap turned around backwards. Henceforth, wear only square-toed cowboy boots and stuff your jeans inside your boots, which should be at least two feet tall. 

Cowboys should only date bad-to-the-bone cowgirls, and cowgirls should quit looking for Mr. Right – instead, they should marry their horse. Hey, it’s been done before! A horse husband will never come home drunk, eat in bed or leave you for some dimwitted lounge lizard.

So people, stop brain shrinkage – live life like a wild barn cat, and future, more intelligent generations will thank us for it.