It’s the Pitts: Splitsville

By: Lee Pitts

I am happy to announce the messy divorce between two bosom buddies who deserved each other. I am referring to the imminent split between the greenies and the animal rightists. 

Until now, the two groups marched in each other’s parades, attended each other’s rallies and shared mailing lists. 

Those who were an Earth Firster, no doubt had a People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) membership card in their purse or wallet. The two factions were joined at the hip, incessantly lawyered up and voted in lockstep, much to the chagrin of aggies everywhere.

But recently, the two have been seen cheating on each other, and their uncoupling is getting nasty, much to the delight of farmers and ranchers. We’re absolutely elated to divulge this is not a trial separation either but a permanent splitage of the sheets.

Problems in this marriage started when the greenies giant wind machines turned out to be big bird blenders, slicing and dicing our feathered friends as if they were carrots in a juicer. This was something no true animal rightist could condone. 

And how should a greenie feel about the previously hated ranchers who lease their land to climate change whackos to put up these big bird blenders?

The same can be said about huge solar arrays which quickly became infertile deserts, completely devoid of animals including all of the fuzzy little creatures so beloved by animal rightists. 

If the animal rightists sided with the greenies on this issue, were they really being true to their cause? It’s easy to see how they could become conflicted to the point of needing counseling.

The biggest point of discord between the animal rightists and the greenies are huge fires which have been turning days into nights with their smoke. 

Prior to these horrific infernos, it would be seen as heresy for a greenie or an animal rightist to be seen or heard speaking with a rancher. It was the greenies who wanted the cows, sheep and goats off of all public land, and then much to their surprise, the dried grass and forbs furnished the fuel for the largest fires in American history.

These fires didn’t just burn up the much-hated cows and sheep, they fried every animal in their path, even turning endangered species into crispy critters. 

Some animal rightists even advocated bringing back the four-legged lawn mowers, restarting the chainsaws and suggested perhaps ranchers weren’t quite so evil after all. This made the greenies so mad at the animal rightists, they threw all of their belongings out in the street. 

I got a front row seat and a chance to see up close and personal how this drama played out. Where I’ve lived for the past 40 years, I am bordered by the Pacific Ocean and a huge state park. Prior to building our home, I consulted with local firemen and asked how much fire danger I was subjecting my wife and I to. 

Every firefighter said they had never seen or even heard of a fire in my area because the morning fog invariably wets things down. But, this did not stop the state from sending in the Civilian Conservation Corp to denude a demilitarized zone all around our development. 

This caused all of the furry creatures to relocate, and all of a sudden, gophers were denuding flower gardens, hordes of raccoons started tipping over trash cans and a growing chorus of coyotes serenades us every night. 

When a mountain lion was seen walking down the main street in broad daylight, people demanded action.

I hope I’m not being too conceited when I tell readers I have gained a certain reputation over the years amongst my neighbors as an exceptional gopher trapper, and so it was only natural for neighbors to ask me for my help. 

When one gentleman – who previously wouldn’t even speak to me and had a “Mercy For Animals” bumper sticker on his Smart Car – asked me for help in killing his gophers, I was aghast. 

“But I thought you were an animal lover?” I asked.

To which he replied, “I don’t give a damn about no stinking gophers. I’m telling you I want them dead, dead, dead.”

I think this alone should be enough to get a first degree conviction for hypocrisy by any jury filled with PETA members.