It’s the Pitts: Shades of Green
By: Lee Pitts
Our problem is we’ve been too nice. The enviromeddlers come at us with some half-baked idiotic theory that cows are destroying the Earth one fart at a time, and we look down at our feet, hide our face in embarrassment and meekly say, “Weʼre sorry.”
What we should have been doing was yelling at the top of our lungs, “YOU ARE A @#$%^&* IDIOT!”
Next time a hippie/greenie gets in your face, start bombarding them with questions like these.
1. “How many kids have you sired or given birth to?”
If their answer is over two, they are the problem, not the answer. Most of our environmental problems could be solved if there were fewer people on Earth using up its resources.
2. “So, let me get this straight. You say the problem is we are producing too much carbon dioxide and too much dihydrogen monoxide and need to decarbonize our environment?”
It’s time to start teaching these overeducated idiots a little chemistry.
Carbon dioxide is what humans exhale and plants inhale. To really go green, we would have to get rid of all humans and animals, and then there’d be no vegetation left on Earth either.
As for the dihyrogen dioxide, I slipped it in knowing they’re dumber than a block of salt. Dihydrogen monoxide is water.
3. “Have you eaten any beans or plant-based ‘meat’ lately?”
You have! I’m sure you’re aware humans pass gas too. In fact, with each gaseous attack, the more they are destroying the ozone layer.
Also, if a person lights a match or cigarette, the possibility exists they might ignite a gas-bomb which could start a fire that could destroy a forest of old growth redwoods. And, did you know your plant-based meat is made from as many as 31 different ingredients, many of them complex chemicals?
4. “Have you ever taken a vacation?”
Did you fly on a plane to get to your destination? Did you drive? Either way you were contributing to climate change.
Perhaps you despoiled a national park? If you traveled to visit a new grandkid, you could have reduced your carbon footprint by using a Zoom call instead.
5. “Do you have solar panels on your house?”
The minerals used to make them were mined, probably by slave labor in China.
6. “I notice the shirt you’re wearing is made from polyester?”
Perhaps you’re unaware the polyester in your clothes was produced by the same stuff used to make fossil fuels. A better choice would be wool if you’re going to live in harmony with Mother Earth.
Is there any leather in those shoes you’re wearing? They sure look like it. You do know leather is a byproduct of those cows you seem to hate so much, right?
7. “Do you own any property or are you a ‘banana’ whose motto is ‘Build Absolutely Nothing Anywhere Near Anything?’”
If you own property it’s possible you could block a natural wilderness corridor, thereby contributing to the loss of an endangered species. If you are a trouble-making “banana,” you are responsible for the lack of affordable housing, thereby creating more homeless people.
8. “Do you take prescription medicines?”
If so, do you know they were probably tested on animals? Have you ever washed extra or outdated pills down the sink? If so, you have contributed to the poisoning of our water supply.
9. “I can tell you are a committed environmentalist and you’re greener than mesquite in April. So I suppose you own and drive an e-car?”
Did you know 80 percent of the electricity you use to charge your car was produced by fossil fuels? Oh, you didn’t know that? Next time either walk or ride a bike – and it can’t be an electric one either.
10. “Do you have a dog or cat?”
Pets fart too, you know, and all of those little plastic bags full of poop are filling up our landfills.
