It’s The Pitts: Get Outta’ Jail Free

Well, the weather changed again today. We reached 68 degrees Fahrenheit, while yesterday it was 65. That’s global warming for you. Had the temperature gone down, it would have been climate change too.

According to the “butterfly effect,” this means the three degree rise in temperature could cause an earthquake somewhere in Uganda.

What, you’ve never heard of the butterfly effect? 

It’s a term used by members of President Joe Biden’s green advisory team and his Cabinet members. I’ve seen better cabinets at IKEA. 

Bureaucrats who are trying to legislate the weather endorse the butterfly effect, which theorizes a single butterfly flapping its wings in Phoenix can cause a typhoon in Japan. 

Lee’s amendment to the butterfly effect states any scientist who believes in the butterfly effect is nuttier than a wood rat.

Everything is being blamed on climate change these days. If too much rain falls, it’s climate change. If not enough rain falls, it’s climate change. 

According to the internet, climate change has caused trees to die, sheep to shrink, birds to lay less eggs, birds to lay more eggs, more fatal shark attacks, snowfall in Baghdad, severe acne, an ammo shortage, more suicides in Australia, altered taste in beer, a faster spinning earth, more kidney stones, larger spiders, more heroin addicts, an increased number of UFOs, more flatulent cows and at least one fist-fight at a wedding. 

One study even concluded global warming is causing global cooling. I kid you not.

Just because arctic seals haven’t shown up on Hollywood sidewalks doesn’t mean “experts’” past predictions about the dangers of global warming were wrong. And, we shouldn’t laugh when their dire forecasts about floodwaters separating California from the continent and sliding down to become part of Mexico, didn’t come to fruition. 

The Mexican government is probably counting their lucky stars the lefty loonies stayed right where they are. 

The error of their ways merely means some scientists were, in the words of one Mexico City newspaper, “muy lunitica.” 

Climate change has caused scientists’ predictions to change too?

This is when it dawned on me – climate change is the perfect excuse when scientists and politicians are wrong. They can use climate change as a “get out of jail free card.” It’s the perfect defense. 

Miss an appointment? No problem. You were so distressed about climate change killing the planet, you traded in your gas guzzler for a Smart Car, and when you hit a skunk, it totaled the Smart Car and landed you in intensive care. Now your not-so-Smart car is one smart-and-smelly car.

I was daydreaming about all of the things I could blame on climate change when I looked up to see flashing lights in my rearview mirror. Initially, I thought the highway patrol lady looked like a pushover so I didn’t want to waste my “go-to” excuse. Instead, I used the old reliable.

“With all due respect ma’am, how can you expect me to read the speed limit signs when it’s so foggy?” I asked.

It turned out the female officer wasn’t quite the pushover I first thought she was. So, I tried an excuse that has rarely failed me. 

“I’m so sorry but I only went faster after looking at my gas gauge. Seeing as it was on “E,” I sped up to get home before I ran out of gas,” I said. 

I was shocked when this excuse didn’t work either.

So, I thought I’d try out the climate change excuse for the first time. 

“You got me officer. I’m guilty. I admit I may have been driving a little too fast, but you strike me as a highly intelligent person and I’m sure you’re aware some scientists say a car emits fewer greenhouse gases per mile when driven at a faster speed,” I said. “I was merely trying to be green by doing 65 in a 35.”

It seems the officer was exceedingly offended by my climate change excuse. She turned purple in the face, and I’m sure she raised the Earth’s temperature by at least three degrees. And, the greenhouse gases in the steam she was emitting out of the top of her head couldn’t have been good for the environment.

Believe me, I didn’t have nearly as much green after I paid the ticket.