It’s the Pitts: Pet Peeves

America has gone to the dogs – 28 percent of the people in this country don’t like cats and only four percent don’t like dogs. 

I don’t like cats for the following reasons: 

1. They rub up against your leg and leave cat hairs all over the bottom of your Wranglers. 

2. Their favorite place to sleep is near the fan belt of your car.

I love dogs, but there are some things they do that irritate me, such as:

1. Dogs like to pee on tires. 

In this respect, they are like truck drivers. 

I got a new car once with white wall tires and there was something about them that attracted dogs. I drove to a cattle sale once, and 42 dogs had a convention at my front left tire. 

So much for white walls.

2. Dogs chase cars and I don’t know why. 

What are they ever going to do with one if they catch it?

3. Dogs love to jump on car doors. 

If the banker drives up to count the cows, there is not a dog alive that won’t jump up on the banker’s car door and scratch the paint, making the banker so mad, he or she won’t renew your loan. 

Why is it dogs never jump on the car door of a salesman or an in-law?

4. Ranch dogs eat stuff they shouldn’t.

Enough said. You know what I mean. 

5. I don’t like dogs that always have to ride up front in the truck. 

I had the pleasure of riding with a small dog which belonged to the driver of the small truck. I called the dog Entomologist. One might think this was a strange name for a dog, but I assure you it was not. 

This dog collected rare insects. On top of that, the dog insisted on riding next to the window so I had to ride next to the smelly male driver. We made a cute couple driving down the road seated cheek to cheek.

6. Dogs shed – usually  in your favorite chair. 

7. When you are wearing work clothes, dogs won’t jump up on you. But, put on a pair of clean pants and they feel compelled to monogram them with a couple muddy paw prints.

8. I don’t like house dogs very much. 

I was raised in a family which didn’t allow our much-loved dogs in the house. They were forced to sleep in the pump house. We had a good reason. Do you remember Dick and Jane and their dog Spot? He got this name for what he did to Dick and Jane’s white carpet.

9. A dog’s bite is worse than his bark, which can lead to lawsuits and rabies. 

I know one cowboy who has a dog trained only to bite people peddling religion door to door. I asked for a pup, but there is a long waiting list. 

When one really stops and thinks about it, there is really not one good reason why the dog should be man’s best friend instead of a parakeet, turtle, horse, goldfish or even a cat. 

All you have to do with a goldfish is give it fresh water before it runs out, and goldfish don’t drink much. 

I had a turtle once which made a fine pet. It fell in love with my dad’s hard hat, and the only time I saw the turtle was when it came courting.

I stayed with a family up in Montana who had a pet pig. I was told it made a wonderful pet, but at night the pig kept trying to get in bed with me. Later I was told it was the pig’s bed when they didn’t have company.

Parakeets make fine pets, and they answer the age-old question about what to do with newspapers when you are finished reading them – it goes on the bottom of the bird cage. But please turn my face over. I have been defecated on by many a bird, and I suppose this is my biggest pet peeve.