It’s the Pitts: Hard of Earring

By: Lee Pitts

I always wondered which would be worse, losing one’s eyesight or losing one’s hearing?

I can now answer this question definitely because I’m gradually doing both, and I can say losing one’s eyesight is far worse, as there can actually be some advantages to losing one’s hearing.

Suffice it to say, I’m not aging gracefully, and I am not like the African heart-nosed bat which can hear footsteps of a beetle walking in sand six feet away. While other species of animals can hear a rabbit sleeping, I can’t even hear my wife’s snoring three feet away, and believe me, this is just one of the many advantages of being deaf as a dump truck.

I’m not making fun of deaf people and the difficulties they endure on a daily basis or belittling them as our society once did. I can remember in my childhood deaf people used to be referred to as “deaf and dumb” because it was thought deaf people were stupid. At one time they were even denied citizenship as a result of their handicap. 

On the contrary, I have found deaf people are quite intelligent, as shown by their ability to read lips and use sign language. Try it sometime, and you’ll see what I mean.

I can pinpoint exactly when and why I’m losing my hearing and can barely speak above a whisper. I lay the blame at the feet of auctioneers. 

For nearly 50 years, I worked ring at auctions of everything from A to Z – from automobiles to a zebra. My problem was during those five decades of working ring, being the voice for Western Video Market and announcing video auctions every month, which sometimes lasted four days, I was hardly ever further than 20 feet away from a speaker and 90 percent of the auctioneers I worked with had the volume turned up too high for the comfort of the crowd.

I know why auctioneers do it, and after auctioning a few charity sales myself, I understand their reasoning. 

First of all, they want to be able to hear themselves, and secondly, they don’t have to expel as much energy with their chant which always sounds better when the volume is higher.

Interestingly, when we lived in Australia 50 years ago with all of the cattle sales I attended – from the weekly town auctions to high-dollar purebred sales – the auctioneers didn’t use a microphone, and it was so tiring for them, they worked in teams which allowed them to take long breaks to rest up.

Not only did all of the auctions damage my hearing, it also silenced my voice, because for every animal, every car or every doo-dad I turned in the bids by yelling at the top of my lungs so the auctioneer could hear me above the din of the speakers. It finally caught up with me. 

I know there are things I could use to better my hearing, but I think my voice is shot for good. 

I don’t want to buy a hearing aid because it makes people think I’m interested in what they have to say. I could also wear a big gold ring in one ear like NBA basketball players and pirates of old who thought the gold ring improved their hearing and especially their eyesight.

At first my wife liked the fact I couldn’t talk, but she very much doesn’t like the fact I can’t hear, as every time she tries to talk to me my response is always the same, “Huh?”

I’m considering getting a bunch of my road agent buddies together and filing a class action lawsuit against all auctioneers for damages and to buy hearing aids for all of us poor ring men, as auctioneers have the deepest pockets. 

Believe me, with what they are making now to sell a bull sale, real estate auction or exotic car sale, auctioneers can afford it. 

If you don’t think us road agents have suffered damages, just listen to this conversation I had about the potential for such a lawsuit with two of my ring man buddies.

I said, “Should we file a lawsuit against our windy friends?” 

The second road agent replies, “No, it’s not Wednesday. It’s Thursday.”

Road agent number three added, “Yeah, I’m thirsty too. Bartender, another round please.”