It’s the Pitts: Caught Cheating

By: Lee Pitts

I don’t know how to say this and I realize readers are going to think less of me after they read this, but one might as well hear it from me first because I’m sure the internet will soon be burning up the wires with the startling news.

As many know, for the longest time my helpmate and I have been inseparable. I never once thought of looking over the fence or trading in my older model for a newer one, but for the first time in our long relationship, I have been caught cheating. 

I crossed the line, and I hate myself for it. 

We had something really special going on, and I let my hormones ruin it all. I never dreamed I’d have eyes for another, but I couldn’t help it – she could do things to me my long and loyal mate just could not or would not do. 

I’d call it a midlife crisis, but for heaven’s sake, I’m 72 years old and I never dreamed I’d be able to feel this way about another ever again. Believe me, I know my significant other doesn’t deserve this and I know I’m the luckiest guy in the world and should be satisfied with what I have, but hey, it’s never enough with me. 

I feel as low as a person can go, but what can I say – I’m a sinner, scalawag, snake and sidewinder all rolled into one.

I saw her first in Costco just five months ago now. How could I not look. She was sleek, colorful and had this “come hither” look about her. 

I swear she made eye contact with me from clear across the store, and when my wife saw what was going on she asked, “What are you looking at?”

I replied, “Oh nothing. Do you see how big they’re making television sets now? Wouldn’t it be great to have one?”

She replied, “Keep dreaming mister.”

But this is the problem. I wake up in the middle of the night dreaming about her.

Normally, we go to Costco about four times a year. I think my wife first suspected something was going on when I kept asking if we could go back to Costco, for I was hoping I might run into her again.

Sure enough on our next Costco excursion, I caught another glimpse of her and decided to act upon my feelings. 

I know I was being irrational, but just the sight of her made me tingle all over. I had to try and get a note to her expressing my feelings and to see if she felt the same way about me. 

But first I had to ditch my wife in the frozen food section. I just had to know if I turned her on like she did me. This was the beginning of our love affair. 

When my wife finally found me, she asked skeptically, “Where have you been?”

“Oh, I was just looking at the books,” I replied. “Have you noticed they sure have cut back on the selection? It’s all fiction now.”

My wife replied, “Oh there’s plenty of fiction around here, and I think I’m getting an earful.”

Over the course of the next five months, we had several clandestine meet-ups. I found my new love and I were totally compatible and she never once complained I flushed the toilet while she was taking a shower. She was able to organize me in ways I never thought possible, and she helped make me a better writer. I’ll be the first one to admit she was a lousy housekeeper and she didn’t do windows, but she fulfilled me in ways I never thought possible.

Then one day my wife caught us together. I could tell she was deeply hurt, so I got down on my knees and begged for her forgiveness. Men can be such jerks! I looked my wife in the eye and gave her my solemn promise I would never stray again.

The romance had fizzled anyway because in the end it turned out to be all she wanted was my money, and my wife wasn’t about to let that happen. I was also beginning to have doubts about her sexual orientation. Mac is such a funny name for a female anyway.