It’s the Pitts: Word for Word

Because they may be offensive, the L.A. Times banned the use of the words “deaf,” “alien” and “handicapped.” 

This is the same newspaper that refers to looters as “non-traditional shoppers.” 

UPS scores its worst drivers as the “least worse,” and when Chrysler announced a big layoff, they called it “a career change opportunity.” Workers called it getting fired.

We are living in a society where the Army refers to friendly fire as “the accidental delivery of ordnance equipment.” 

You can’t take a stab at something or kill two birds with one stone any more. You can’t even “hit” a computer key or use the expression “there is more than one way to skin a cat.”  

We use several words in agriculture which may be offensive to the politically correct.

With some help from The Politically Correct Dictionary and Handbook, I came up with some alternatives.

Artificial inseminator: Animal companion sex care provider.

Bummer lambs: Disowned future providers of non-human animal fibers.

Castrated: Cosmetically-altered and sexually-challenged male.

Dead: Non-living corpse; terminally inconvenienced; no longer a factor.

Dwarf: A vertically-challenged, non-conforming bovine of color.

Dog: A canine American.

Dog catcher: Animal welfare officer who picks up temporarily-displaced animal companions and canine Americans.

Eggs: Stolen non-human animal products that come fried, poached or scrambled.

Fat: Adipose tissue from horizontally-challenged, processed animal carcasses.

Futures trader – A potential client of our corrective ecosystem who creates negative cash flow

Grubby: Parasitically oppressed.

Horseback riding: The thievery of uncompensated non-human animal transport.

Housebreaking: Environmental orientation.

Husband: Sub optimal utensil sanitizer.

Kill: Degrow.

Locoweed: Unwanted botanical companion.

Manure: Previously utilized organic matter.

Pig: A hair-disadvantaged animal companion that, because of its good taste, will fail to fulfill its wellness potential.

Rancher: Economically exploited cattle murderer. Also, “a non-performing asset”.

Screwworm: Temporarily-hostless, non-human animal.

Sheep: Intellectually-challenged non-human being.

Slaughter: The engagement in reduction activities.

Veal: Pre-cow scorched animal carcass.

Vegetarian: A differently logical fruitarian who consumes non-violent food.

Wife: Non-waged employee; environmental hygienist.

In the future, in order not to offend any of our readers, this “processed tree carcass” will continue to be on the lookout for words that a socially-misaligned, incompletely-successful person may find cerebrally challenging.