It’s the Pitts: I Have My Reasons

Using a set of reasons – like the ones I used to give on my high school and college livestock judging teams – I will now appraise the average farm animals.

Sir or madame,

I place this class of farm animals dog, horse, hog, cow and sheep. I had a very close top pair and an easy bottom.

I place the dog on top, over the horse, because the dog can’t buck you off so high birds will build nests in your beard on your way back down to Earth. The dog doesn’t smell as bad as the hog – unless it’s tangled with a skunk – doesn’t have the brains of a fire hydrant like the sheep and doesn’t try to kill you in the sorting alley or the rodeo arena like the bovine. 

Dogs are cheap to feed, can ride in the cab of your pickup and will protect the empty beer cans and broken jack in the bed of your truck with their life.

I do grant the dog can’t carry you around on its back all day like the horse, and its incessant yapping can be annoying.

In placing the horse second, I highly value you can tell your rumors, gossip, hearsay and transgressions to your horse and it will never spill the beans. Also, a horse will follow your subtle commands, unless they are of an idiotic nature. 

The horse can turn like a serpent, walk like a cat and run like a deer. The only other contrivance that can do this on a farm is green and mechanical in nature. 

The horse looks good in leather and is the only animal I know of that smells good when sweaty. 

Unlike a cowboy, your average horse knows what “whoa” means. 

Horses have better dentition than the cow and can run faster than a sow. Horses are also kinder than other farm animals, and if you don’t believe me, watch them stand head to tail and swat flies off of each other. Name one time you’ve ever seen a hog do this with its corkscrew tail.

Over the centuries, a good cow horse has always been worth about 10 times the value of a cow.

I do grant pork tastes better than horse meat, and your average county fair racing pig costs less than the average Thoroughbred at Keeneland.

I place the hog in the third position over the cow because the pig doesn’t have the IQ of a cauliflower like many cows I’ve known. In terms of intelligence, hogs could have been placed at the top of the class, but their putrid smell and evasive nature puts them in the third position today. 

I do not like how they are as evasive as coyotes and have the morals of a Congressperson.

I grant the meat from a bovine tastes better than all the rest, but I was forced to  put the cow in the fourth spot today because when the chips are down, cattle are nowhere to be found.

Take the bull for instance. When he’s done violating cows and heifers, he goes off and drinks with his buddies for nine months. Neither is the cow very quick on the uptake. 

All a cow has to do to live a long and productive life is bring a healthy calf to the branding pen every year, yet she will not stand for a bull and kicks at the artificial inseminator.

They also have a propensity to pee on expensive hay. 

Cows aren’t cowboy-friendly, and if you yell instructions at them, it just goes in one ear and out the udder.

I place the cow above the sheep and rolled the sheep to the bottom of the class because the cow is still not as stupid as the normal sheep whose IQ is lower than the average temperature of South Dakota in winter. 

A sheep doesn’t know the difference between a cow and a sow and spends its time just hunting for a place to die. A young lamb’s goal in life is to grow up and be a car seat cushion like its father and mother.

It’s for these reasons I place this class of farm animals dog, horse, hog, cow and sheep.