It’s the Pitts: Pet Tricks

I’ve always had an interest in magic and consider myself a better-than-average prestidigitator. I also consider myself a better-than-average animal trainer, so I thought one day I’d be discovered and given a one-year residency in Las Vegas. 

I can envision my name up in lights on some giant marquee on the strip – The Great Pittsy and His Flying Sheep Show.

For my first trick, I’d bring out my 30 Rhode Island Red chickens. I’d place them in a long sandbox and, to hypnotize them, I’d lay them in the sand with their heads extended and their eyes facing the crowd. 

Then, one by one, I’d put my index finger right in front of their eyes and draw a straight line. Farm folk probably know this trick, but the city slickers who will see my show in Las Vegas would get just as excited about it as I did the first time I saw it. 

I’d leave all 30 chickens in this hypnotic trance throughout my show.

Cindy, the best dog I ever had, would be the star of my second trick. With Cindy watching, I’d pull a real rabbit out of a hat, and then she would one-up me by walking behind the stage props, picking up a white rabbit in her tender mouth and bringing it to me. By the time Cindy had retrieved the sixth rabbit, the crowd would be on their feet. 

I got the idea for this trick one time when I forgot to latch the door on the hutch of my feedlot full of rabbits and they all jumped out. Cindy found every single one and brought them to me without a scratch.

For the next act, I’d have to borrow the intelligent dog belonging to my horseshoer Monte Mills. 

Monte and his Lucky Horseshoe Band are an entertainment fixture in my neck of the woods, and I thought Monte might let me use his dog if I brought him along to provide musical interludes between acts. 

I’d ask Monte’s dog, “What do all of these painted ladies on street corners in the gaudier parts of town do to make a living?” 

And right on cue, Monte’s dog would roll over on its back and move all four paws and legs up and down.

Those who have raised sheep know about this trick – if you place a small hurdle sheep have to jump over to get to their feed, they will virtually fly over it. But here’s the thing – after a week of this, you can remove the hurdle and the sheep will still jump over the hurdle that is no longer there. Thus, the name of my act – The Great Pittsy and His Flying Sheep Show.

No show would be complete without an appearance by my wonder horse Gentleman. Anyone who has seen the cover of my book, “A Gentleman and A Scholar,” is aware I can get Gentleman to let out a big horse laugh, which I taught him by putting his bit in the freezer. 

So, I’d tell a couple of corny jokes, and right on cue, Gentleman would laugh his butt off. Then, I’d ask Gentleman what I owed him for his performance, and he’d reach inside my heavily sequined jacket and pull a carrot from the inside pocket.

For the final act, I’d bring out Huey, Louie, Phooey and Gooey, four purebred Brahman yearling bulls which were easily the smartest, most gentle cattle I’ve ever owned. 

Every day, I fed them some cubes they’d eat out of my hand. Then one day, I tricked Huey by reaching into the feed sack and offering my hand to him, except this time there was nothing there. 

Huey immediately shook his head, and his giant ears started flopping around, making a really funny sound. Pretty soon, all four bulls were doing the same thing. It was one of the funniest things I’d ever seen, and the crowd would eat it up. 

I’d also taught the bulls to follow me around in a single-file line, which is how I’d conclude my show – walking off the stage followed by the bulls.

Of course, the show would be so great the audience would demand an encore, so me and all of my co-stars would go back on stage and wake up the chickens.