Stuff I Learned From Cows

By Lee Pitts

Cows are supposedly dumb animals, and yet, I have learned a lot from them, such as…

1. Don’t shoot the bull.

2. If someone wants to load you up and take you to town, put up a big fight. There is danger lurking there.

3. When your offspring become of age and leave home, no amount of bawling will bring them back.

4. Piercings, notches, tattoos and brands hurt and make it easier for Big Brother to identify you.

5. The way to acquire a small fortune in the cattle business is to start with a large one.

6. Don’t allow yourself to be driven by an unruly mob. Especially don’t get stampeded. You could get hurt, and it will only result in you going round and round in circles.

7. Hogs have no place on a cow ranch.

8. Stay close to your youngsters at all times. If you must go, leave them with a good babysitter.

9. Hide when people gang up and come looking for you because whenever you meet in large groups no good can come of it.

10. Never go swimming unless you can keep your head above water with your feet firmly on the ground. 

11. The biggest thing wrong with the world is that there are far too many people in it.

12. If you get caught in a squeeze just stand quietly, take your medicine and get it over with as quick as possible. 

13. Offspring are far better off being raised by the female of the species. 

14. Life is sexually transmitted.

15. A banker is your friend, until he isn’t.

16. Sacred cows make great hamburgers.

17. If you have an enemy, give them a cow.

18. Males come around for one reason and one reason only.

19. It can be liberating to step away from the herd and run around naked when no one is looking.

20. Life is not about how fast you can run or how high you can climb but how much you can eat.

21. Sometimes the skies are cloudy all day.

22. When the chips are down no matter how careful you are, you’ll step in a big pile of —- once in awhile.

23. Good hay is expensive, cheap hay even more so.

24. You’re on the backside of life when you start to lose your teeth.

25. If someone starts bringing you breakfast in bed for no apparent reason, be afraid. Be very, very afraid.

26. After the female is in the family way, the male will usually disappear faster than vanilla ice cream at a five-year-old’s birthday party.

27. Don’t allow yourself to get fenced in or get stuck in the mud.

28. Getting fat can cause death.

29. Trust the cows more than the chemists. Life is too short to drink fake milk.

30. Birth, copulation and death. That’s life. None of us will make it out alive.