Signs Of Civilization
By Lee Pitts
I was born and raised in the self-proclaimed “Citrus Capital of the World” where the squashed lemons on the road far outnumbered the people. I don’t know if we really were the citrus capital, but it was a small town and that’s what small towns did, they bragged to visitors they were the world capital of pinto beans, cow chips, sweet pickles or clogging. You can still see signs today bragging their high school was the state champion wrestling team in 1962.
I hate big cities, and I’ve never seen a single one having a boastful sign at their city limits. Maybe they have nothing to brag about. So, I’ve come up with some sign slogans for them.
Phoenix – Sure, it’s hot, but it’s a dry heat.
Milwaukee – Where your vote counts twice.
Philadelphia – The city of brotherly love, now get the bleep, bleep, bleep out of my way you bleep, bleep.
Sacramento – A city on the move to Texas, Idaho, Florida. Anywhere but California!
New York, New York –The big rotten apple. We’re not arrogant, we’re just better than you. A city so good they had to name it twice. (Personally, I prefer Walla Walla).
Little Rock – Home of the Clinton Crime Family.
Tucson – Se habla inglés?
San Francisco – Where every night is Halloween. Home of the homeless. Watch your step, and no, it’s not doggy doo.
Las Vegas – Money gambled here, stays here.
St. Louis – Home of the dumbest mayor on earth.
Madison – Eat cheese or die.
Los Angeles – Gateway to China, where your Christmas gift is still sitting in a container.
Miami – The city that never sleeps because it’s too darn noisy.
Minneapolis – Where the people are warm even if the weather isn’t.
Dallas – Where all the snobs and phonies in Fort Worth moved.
Albuquerque – If you can spell it, you can have it.
Cincinnati – A cemetery with lights.
Seattle – We gave the world Windows software and the five dollar cup of coffee.
Detroit – So this is what Hell looks like.
Berkeley – People’s Republic of Communists.
Wilmington – It’s not St. Patrick’s Day. Our river is always green like this.
Pittsburg – The city in a coma.
Jackson – Crappie capital of America and we’re not talking about fish.
El Paso – A great place to buy used auto parts.
Houston – Out of order.
Baltimore – “You have a right to remain silent. You have a right to an attorney.”
Portland – Detroit West.
Washington D.C. – No Parking.
Kansas City – What state am I in?
Reno – The tattoo capital of the world.
San Jose – The world’s largest concentration of geeks and nerds.
Chicago – Relive the wild, wild West. Kill or be killed.
Atlanta – The Chicago of the South.
Bakersfield – More Okies than Oklahoma.
Salt Lake City – The whitest city on earth.
San Diego – America’s finest city. Too bad it’s in Mexico.
