Woke Up

By Lee Pitts

There is a group in California trying to get rodeo, team roping, barrel racing, bull riding and other Western sports banned from Los Angeles County. The fear is such legislation will spread throughout the not-so-Golden State and then across the nation.  

Don’t think it’s possible? Have you been to a circus lately and noticed there was something missing? No, it wasn’t the clowns, it was the animal acts the animal rightists were successful in getting rid of. In this case, the clowns are a group called, Last Chance for Animals, headed up by a guy who has never owned a pet.

The L.A. ordinance would ban what the group calls “torture devices” such as flank straps, tie downs, spurs, lariats and lassos. What’s next?  

Are they going to take ropes away from cowboys and cattlemen and ban them from wearing spurs? Will they try to ban junior livestock shows by banning show halters, show sticks and pig whips?

Those putting up a noble effort to stop the ordinance advise the rest of us to not be confrontational in fighting the kooks and I suppose that’s best, but it’s just not my style. To open the eyes of prospective voting households (one of three of which owns a dog), I’d come up with my own ordinance which will get their attention. My ordinance would…

– Ban all dog shows because it’s segregationist. It’s also racist not to commingle German shepherds and Yorkshires, or pit bulls and poodles in classes.

– I’d ban all leashes because we’ve all seen what happens when one dog sees another and they run to the end of their leash and choke themselves. How does this differ from calf roping?

– We’ve done a good job of limiting the use of hot shots in our industry, but how about those “electric fences” that shock a dog when they try to leave their yard? They too should be banned.

– It’s dangerous for dogs to chase cars and to protect them henceforth there should be no “free range” dogs and they should be confined in cages like laying hens.

– Did you know male dogs are 6.2 times more likely to bite someone than female dogs? This is definitely sexist and is a good reason to ban all male dogs.

– Using dogs to gather cattle, find missing people, control rioters or sniff out dangerous drugs should be permanently banned because it’s a form of “slavery.” And there will be no more service dogs to calm post-traumatic stress disorder victims or warn someone they’re about to have an epileptic fit.

– It’s got to be embarrassing for poodles to parade around with those silly pom-poms covering their joints. I propose we ban all dog grooming because it’s humiliating the animals.

– Generally speaking, people are pretty good about picking up their dog’s poop with plastic bags and throwing it in the trash, but our landfills are being inundated with dog poop. So, if you’re “green,” you must agree with me – all pets should be stopped from pooping.

– Besides being disgusting, it’s a waste of water to let dog’s drink out of the toilet. Certainly, with drought gripping a large chunk of the West, this water must be saved so there’s enough for the fairy shrimp and for the homeowner to water his or her petunias.

– I frequently see tiny dogs in purses and carryall bags in which they don’t have enough room to stand up, sit down and turn around. If we banned such practices in the case of veal calves, why not purse dogs? After all, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

– The fact America’s pets consume the equivalent of a year’s supply of grain for 35 million people is definitely not “WOKE,” which is defined as spiritual and intellectual enlightenment, like waking up from a deep sleep and seeing things clearly for the first time.

Of course, I would NEVER really support such an ordinance and neither would the majority of Americans, but maybe such an ordinance would “WOKE” people up and make them see what’s coming; because the real goal of groups like Last Chance for Animals is to stop all pet ownership.

So, don’t ask for who they come for…they come for you.