It’s the Pitts: The Everything Excuse
I must divert from writing about cows and cowboys this week to address a subject near and dear to my heart – baseball. A new study from Dartmouth College concluded climate change is responsible for major league ball players hitting more home runs.
According to a Bulletin of Meteorological Study, “Warmer air means molecules in the air are further apart. And in less dense air, there is less air resistance.”
The report found more than 500 home runs between 2010 and 2019 can be attributed to higher average temperatures resulting from climate change – I wonder if the Ivy League wizards have ever heard of steroids?
Dartmouth professors are full of hot air, and their study makes me wonder if they’ve ever been to a ballgame.
I didn’t attend Dartmouth, but I can make the argument using the same logic that in less dense air, baseballs thrown by pitchers would speed up, making it even more difficult for batters to hit, resulting in more strikeouts and FEWER home runs.
I did learn something from this Dartmouth study though – we now have an “everything excuse” which can be used in any and all situations.
Instead of a child saying he didn’t have his homework because the dog ate it, he can just blame global warming. Or maybe, some little green eco-warriors stole it.
No more of those sorry excuses like I drew bad, I need a new rope, the steer ducked or my horse is off feed. Instead, simply blame a high pressure area or a tsunami in Japan caused by global warming. Heck, blame the poor polar bears.
The next time an individual misses their meeting with their parole officer, just say, “I couldn’t come because the power went out and the grid went down due to climate change so I couldn’t charge my e-car to get here.”
Isn’t this more believable than saying they were abducted by aliens for a month?
If a person forgets or can’t celebrate their in-law’s 50th wedding anniversary, they can always say they had an emergency meeting with John Kerry, the Special Presidential Envoy for Climate.
Or, their non-attendance could be blamed on being asked to go on a secret spy mission on Leonardo DiCaprio’s jet. They just couldn’t say “No” to the greenie gals from the Lettuce League.
If a person is having an embarrassing flatulence attack, there will be no more blaming of the beans. Instead, just blame it on nasty weather because Al Gore came to town. This is known as “The Al Gore Effect” because wherever he goes to preach about the evils of global warming there is a tendency rain, sleet and snow will follow him.
Need more moisture, just call Al.
Next time a person is pulled over by the cops, just remind the officer a little thing like speeding or driving while texting pales in comparison to what Gina McCarthy, former head of the Environmental Protection Agency called, “The greatest threat of our time – climate change.”
I already know the excuse I’m going to use if I ever miss a deadline. No, it’s not going to be because of a faulty alarm clock or a computer virus. I’ll just say I was under the weather. Literally.
Let’s face it folks, we’ve been guilty of using some pretty lame excuses in the past. Someone said they got struck by lightening, really?
No one believes when a person says their identity was stolen, they were mugged, had a sausage emergency, were attacked by hackers or the check for an overdue bill got lost in the mail. No one believes they didn’t attend their daughter’s dance recital due to a hemorrhoidal crises.
My column may not appear in the Bulletin of Meteorological Study, but it does run in the Kingfisher Times of Kingfisher, Okla., and at the same time I was reading about the Dartmouth study, I read a quote in the Kingfisher Times from one of my favorite writers, Thomas Sowell.
Thomas has written 49 books and is the first person in his black, sharecropping family to get past the sixth grade.
Regarding climate change, Mr. Sowell wrote, “Would a person bet their paycheck on a weather forecast for next week? If not, then why should this country bet trillions on global warming predictions with even less foundation?”
But, alas, Thomas Sowell did not go to Dartmouth either. No, he graduated magna cum laude from Harvard!
