It’s The Pitts: Pets Make the Best People

“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.” – Colette

I think I’m growing allergic to people. I never answer the door when nice folks from Jehova’s Witness come around. I hardly ever pick up the phone because I can barely speak above a whisper. My wife has to fetch my prescription drugs for me because I’m fearful of catching something in the drugstore. I can’t stand being in a crowd – a crowd being three or more people – and as Andy Rooney once observed, “I have more friends than I have time to keep.” 

I also have a problem where I can’t remember anyone’s name – I engraved a name badge for my wife.

I wasn’t always a hermit, but the COVID-19 crises changed me. My doctors warned me if I caught the dreaded disease, there was a good chance it would kill me so I avoided people all together. 

Heck, I wouldn’t even talk to people on the telephone, thinking the nasty virus could be carried over telephone or cable wires.

I was always kind of a loner and a recluse who preferred the company of animals anyway, and during the two year COVID-19 crises, I relearned something I’ve known all along – pets make the best people.

One of the reasons I like dogs so much is they don’t have cell phones. At least not yet anyway. Pets don’t invite you to lunch, spend the entire time staring at their cell phones and then stick you with the tab. 

This is another great thing about pets. Like me, they easily get bored with idle conversation. And, dogs won’t act like they’re your friend, then try to ransom your computer like one scumbag recently did to me. Maybe a cat might try something like this but never a dog or a duck. 

Yes, I used to have two pet ducks named Chester and Charley, and I miss them terribly. If you can watch a duck or a Berkshire hog go about its daily routine and it doesn’t bring a smile to your face, then you are a very hard-hearted person indeed.

Whereas humans have mixed emotions and can love and hate you at the same time, animals can’t. They either love you or they hate you. Period. And you’ll know right away. They’ll either try to scratch your eyes out or bite your arm off or they’ll rub up against your leg looking for a gentle pet. This is why they’re called “pets.”

Pets are apolitical too. At one time, I figured all dogs were Republicans and all cats were Democrats or Progressives but I changed my mind when I met a toy poodle who was obviously a liberal – always looking for a handout and wouldn’t do a bit of work like a Border collie or a police dog will do. I’m quite sure the toy poodle was an animal rightist too. 

So much for my theory all dogs are Republicans.

I also like the fact pets can keep a secret. Even though the canaries and parakeets I’ve owned tweeted or twittered nonstop, they never spread nasty rumors. 

Pets are also very good listeners. You can share your innermost thoughts with them and they don’t charge $500 an hour like a psychiatrist would. I’m carrying around a lot of emotional baggage, but I’ve never had to see a shrink for my depression and I attribute it to spending hours and hours on the couch with my pets, not some psycho-doc. 

Even my turtle, who I rarely see, has been good for my emotional well-being. We’ve stayed close over the years because we’ve stayed apart.

I’ve never once had a pet ask me to borrow money or my weedwhacker. Pets won’t steal you blind, they’re great at fetching things and even if they know you have no intention of leaving anything to them in your will, they’ll still be your loyal friend. 

They’ll take a hard kick to the head trying to help you corral some cows, they’re the best theft deterrent system ever built and they will do everything in their power to protect you. 

Even though we might make pets sleep outside or we cage or tether them – and perhaps even cook and eat them – pets will still be your best friend right up until their final breath.