It’s The Pitts: A Life Well Lived

I am just a humble human who never saw a Star Wars movie, never drove faster than 85 miles per hour and never rode a motorcycle, a Caterpiller D9 or a one-ton bull for eight seconds – I never got on one either. 

I’ve only owned one foreign car for a very brief time, and I hate myself for this unpatriotic deed.

I’ve never been in jail besides the one time my Den Mother took all of us Cub Scouts to the police station, and the cops locked us in a jail cell to scare us straight. It left a lasting impression on me, and I’ve never been back in jail again.

I’ve never been unfaithful to my wife of 50 years, never had a practice wife and never had the thrill of paying alimony or child support. 

I’ve never called in sick when I really wasn’t and never caused a wreck, although I’ve been in three. 

The most memorable was after I picked up my wife from work at 10 p.m. and we were stopped in our Chevy truck at the only stoplight in town at the time, when WHAMO! 

Some young man who was high as a kite plowed into our truck’s very substantial back bumper in his dinky Japanese car. It totaled his poor excuse for a vehicle, and we got nary a scratch.

I’ve never hit a horse, dog or any other animal in anger, although I have swatted my share of flies. 

I’ve never met a baby I didn’t immediately fall in love with, even though they all had a tendency to burp, poop and pee on my shoulder.

I’ve never puffed on anything other than the candy cigarettes I “smoked” as a kid. I’ve never smoked a cigar, cigarette or marijuana and have always wondered what the allure was about cigarettes that made one smell like a bar, cost a fortune and killed people prematurely.

I never drank more than one sip of coffee in my life so I can spend my money at the Ace Hardware store instead of Starbucks. I readily admit I did drink copious amounts of tea the year we lived in Australia, and when I traveled extensively in Texas, I developed an iced tea habit I continue to enjoy daily.

I’ve never been a registered Democrat and have not served in any political capacity since my college days.

After several days of indoctrination as a 12-year-old, I did become a member of the Methodist Church in town but I haven’t been back since our very married preacher ran off with our very married choir director, and they took the Sunday collection with them.

Despite having a second home in Nevada for a while, I haven’t pulled on a slot machine or rolled any dice in many, many years. 

I never buy lottery tickets, even when the jackpot exceeds $1 billion because I have no idea what I’d do with the money, and I think it could very well ruin the wonderful life I have now.

I’ve never owned a cell phone or played a video game on my computer, and we’ve always paid off our credit card in full every month.

I’ve never deliberately cut a fence so my cattle could chow down on my neighbor’s abundant grass, and I’ve never served chicken at my branding.

Despite writing a weekly column for 45 years, along with thousands of feature stories, I’ve never been accused of plagiarism nor have I been sued for libel or slander, although I did have to make a minor correction two times.

Despite having lived such a perfect life, I do have some regrets. 

I’ve always wanted to go to James Herriott’s Yorkshire Dales but I’ve never been to Europe. I never learned how to barbecue nor did I learn how to drive a team of horses. I’m sorry to say I never owned a team of Clydesdales or mules, much to my regret. 

I never got my pilot’s license, never bought a 1952 Chevy pickup, never sold my novel nor have I won a Pulitzer Prize. I’ve never owned a black cowboy hat or a black Lab, and I’m sad to say we never could have kids – of the human or the goat variety.

All in all, I’d say it’s been a life well lived.